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Boo, I am in a rut. Unfortunately this is not a rut of late; this seems to be a rut that started since (whisper) I became a mom. Why the whisper? It is NOT in any way, shape or form that I regret becoming a mom. I wanted to be a mom, I LOVE my kids, and they are my life. But maybe that is a little teeny, tiny bit of the problem. They are my life. Don’t take that the wrong way. I hope that I can better explain myself. Let me give you a little back story.

Here is the cliff notes version of my life

Act 1 - Start Here

I grew up in a loving household with supportive parents. I enjoyed school, had success in sports, took the smart kid classes and had (still have) great friends. My dad was my #1 fan; there was no shortage of praise from him. He and my mom thought I could conquer the world and accomplish anything I set my mind to. And I thought it too!!

Act 2 - Next Step

College was no different. Played sports, more great friends, I had a coveted bartending job at a campus hot spot and I held leadership positions at my college. Back then I often saw myself holding a leadership position in my future, I enjoyed assuming that role. I imagined somewhere on the local level such as local politician-mayor of the town in which I lived.

Act 3 - Here I exist

I am not sure what happened, or how my vision for myself changed. Fast-forward to present day, married with two children. Again, don't get me wrong, I enjoy my life. However I pretty much struggle daily with feelings of inadequacy. I feel as though I am not doing enough, being enough, making the impact I thought I would.

Each Friday I go to dinner with my dad and I have had this conversation with him. What is my identity? What am I destined to do/achieve/accomplish? How am I going to change the world or my little part of the world? He feels terrible hearing me say this and he replies that I am doing a wonderful job raising two sweet, kind little girls and that should be my focus at this time. Which ok, fine but there is enough time to do that and make a larger impact beyond just my family. I tell my students don't just exist within these four walls. Be bigger, be more, do more than just exist. However I feel that is what I am doing, just existing. I have used being a mom as an excuse to have no time to do anything else. I feel that I have not focused in on any one thing to be great at any one thing. Since becoming a mom five years ago, I feel as though I have lost part of my own identity, I have put myself into a little box labeled "mom".

Act 4 – So Now What?

I recently gave the eulogy at my friend's father’s funeral. In all honesty the passing of one life makes you think about your own. Unfortunately at this point I feel I have not been the person I want to be, made the impact that I want to make, that I thought I would be making in life. I wake each day waiting for a sign, waiting for something to hit me, getting that Aha moment.

So now what? Time to re-focus and lay out some plans for my life and start being the person I desire and envisioned so long ago. Stop using the excuse that I am too busy. Because you know what, everyone is busy. I need to make time for the things I am passionate about again and show my daughters how to be the best version of themselves that they can be.  Teach them by modeling for them how to make a difference and support things they believe in, chase their dreams, achieve their goals, and have passions. Be leaders, do not just exist.

Ok, therapy session over. Today’s take away, don’t just exist. Don’t let yourself be defined by one label.

…C